God works in mysterious ways and I do know that! It's just not always easy understanding why? Tuesday, Drew and I went for our regular 11 week doctor appt and they started with the doppler to find the heartbeat. Well, I had been trying for a week or so at work to try and find it myself with the help of a co-worker and could not find it. Well, we along with our doctor were not concerned since you don't always hear it until past 12 weeks. Our doctor, Dr.Ellis then was going to do an abdominal ultrasound and I was so excited to get another ultrasound because I did not think I would get one for another month or so. I knew something was wrong when I saw the look on her face. I could slightly see the screen and I did not see anything. She finally said that she was sorry and could not hear the heartbeat and saw and empty sac. My heart sank, and I just started crying. She stepped out of the room for minute and Drew and I just prayed that she was wrong. She came back to have a vaginal ultrasound and you could see the baby with no heartbeat. It was really hard for her to tell us I know. I never never ever thought it would have been as hard to handle as it was then. But not only that this happened at about 8 weeks. So I had been walking around for 3 1/2 weeks not knowing. That just made it even harder. I have never seen Drew so excited about something until I told him we were going to have baby and to see that taken away was devestating. There are no words to describe it. At the time I was unconsolable (sp?) but Drew just hugged me and prayed.
As hard as all of this was it still wasnt over quite yet. Obviously my body never expelled of this and so they had to take me to surgery and put me to sleep to have a D&C. I'm thankful that they did put me to sleep because if I had been awake it would have been awful.I was so nervous about doing this.My concern is about the future and what if this happens again.Or what if the procedure does something to me. We want a family so desperatly bad and to think about this happening again or what if something prohibits us from having kids. I had all these thoughts going through my head at one time. We come in at 840 am to have what we think will be great doctors visit and dont leave till 3 feeling empty. I just can't explain the feeling.
I know that this happened for a reason. God knew what he was doing when he took that precious angel to heaven. I know I will oneday see this little person but it still too hard to comprehend. You still can't help to think of if you did something wrong to contribute to this. I don't think I have ever been so cryful. I know this is normal but I don't know when It will stop. I never thought I could love something so much that I had never even met and then have it taken away from me. We left that hospital with one less of us and I just can't explain how that feels.
Drew has been such a great husband through all of this. Waiting on me hand and foot and just hugging me everytime I break down. It's been hard to sleep. And I'm tired I just cant stay asleep. Our family and friends have been so supportive. It's so nice to have such caring people in our lives. This is the hardest thing I have encoutered in my life so far and it will take sometime to get over it. We were so excited and getting ready to empty out our spare bedroom. I just thought I was just getting ready to get over the first trimester without any complications. This has been the hardest thing and I still need your prayers!!!! Thank you to all that have been so wonderful through this. Terri thank you so much for the flowers. I will call you soon!
I know December will be hard for me and thinking about the baby that was suppose to be here with us. Drew even bought me a pearl ring for Mothers Day and now I'm like I'm not a mom. I just look at the ring and it makes me sad. This my seem weird or silly but we really thought it was a girl and I think to help me cope with this we decided to give the baby a name. Cayliegh Grace!! Drew always kissed my belly and called her that.
I still need lots of prayers!!! So please pray for us to heal!! Actually, writing this helps me cope with this. We know there will be other babies and this happened for a reason but you still always wonder why me?